I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
