i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Blood and glitter go together right?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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