ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
