i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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