She said her name was "party"
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
