the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
