I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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