Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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