I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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