You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
