omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Damn victory sex feels great
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
