i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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