i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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