the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
too bad you live with your parents still
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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