my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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