I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
