she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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