I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
