I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
