I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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