I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
