Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
