i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
