That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
