I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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