so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm always down for nudity.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
