Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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