It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
