I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
