you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
