yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
