Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I have fence marks all over my body
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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