Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
