remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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