I am puke
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
