I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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