put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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