I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize