so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Randomize
