dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
