So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
