i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
