I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
