hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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