found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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