its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
