why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
