I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
