i wish my penis had a tongue
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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