everyone is single if you try hard enough
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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