Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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