im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
only you would photoshop your dick
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
