Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I am one with the molecules
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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