I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
