Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
