Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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