I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
