Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
