don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
