turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
