My liver just broke up with me...
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
