Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
