are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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