I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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